In Pursuit of A Feeling

On my days off I tend to reset my life from the week prior, cleaning, studying, attending class, like I'm supposed to do. Yet it doesn't feel like it; the days blend together, and I'm still in bed and haven't eaten. By the time I feel like an insane amount of time has passed, I check, and it's already seven p.m and the day has already been done. This felt like my day-to-day life for the past year and ten months. You never truly know that you are depressed. In my case, I still felt a lot more emotions than just sadness, but depression doesn't necessarily take that form. For me, it felt like a wave of emotions that never ended, being on a high for what seemed like days, then sinking quickly into a storm that flooded my mind. Never really feeling in control or wanting to grasp control of said emotions. Internally, I just gave up and let whoever or whatever control me. I felt like a ghost watching myself continuously wreck my life. But now it seems like, for the first time, I gained control, and yes, of course, I'm still fighting myself, but it feels like I'm getting better. I've been so focused on just healing and moving on that I didn't notice that all of it is bullshit. Why should I speed up a process that I have no idea works, and why should I care how people see that? If I don't heal fast enough, I'm seen as fragile and incapable of anything, and if I move on too fast, I'm seen as someone who didn't care in the first place and let what happened to me be my fault! In pursuit of a feeling is all that I wanted to search for, which is why....

Everything Hurts.